Dalmahoy Hotel and Country Club

"I am writing this review at 2:33 in the morning on this my one and only night staying at the Dalmahoy Resort. The Dalmahoy has spared no effort in its attempt to reduce the expenses for providing comfort to its guests. I write this review from the world’s smallest bed with the world’s smallest and lumpiest pillows in the world’s hottest room that is approximately 7 miles from the hotel’s front desk. I am uncertain of the exact distance traveled to get to this room, as about halfway through the journey our Sherpa peeled off and said “you’re on your own, bro.” I write this review by the pale flashing light of some kind in-room detector system that is providing a delightful strobe effect scientifically designed and perfected by POW camp keepers to crack inmates via sleep deprivation. The light is accompanied by a bird of some kind whose ethereal shrieks punctuate the night air with the shrill sound like a car alarm being stabbed, but lacking the eventual ignorability of repetitive regularity. No no, this avian terrorist, through perhaps millions of years of evolution, has developed a warning (or perhaps mating?) call that it lets sound at randomly spaced intervals, perfectly designed to ward off the slumber of foolish humans who can’t close their room’s windows on account of the heat, or perhaps perfectly designed to entice a mate that has also spent the past million years evolving an inability to hear sounds quieter 95 decibels. Fortunately, the room includes a refrigerator that is able to cool drinks to a crisp 60 degrees; nothing refreshes and satisfies like water the temperature of a tepid puddle! The staff — from what I can remember after our Oregon Trail length journey to our room — seemed nice enough. They provided a hand written map to our room that took us past several elevators we were told not to use and through the Minotaur’s labyrinth. They even gave us a clue to solve the sphinx’s riddle! We had to travel down to the 0 level before walking to the third elevator and taking that to the fifth level in order to arrive at our room which was numbered in 300s. Unfortunately, by the time we arrived at the room, the key card’s magnetism had dissolved through naturally occurring entropy, and we had to send one of our party back to the guard station to have it remagnetized; we are hopeful they will return eventually or at least find someone suitable they can start a new life with somewhere wandering the corridors of Dalmahoy. All in all, this brief stay has changed us, as is no doubt the Dalmahoy’s intent. They do not provide just a place to stay; they provide an experience. Of pain. And discomfort. And heartbreak. And good god there goes that bird again…"

"Lovely hotel, in a very peaceful setting. We stayed for 3 nights in a classic double, nice room, everything you need. We did have to ask for the fridge to be replaced on arrival as it wasn’t working, this was promptly done by the maintenance team. We had a walk round the grounds, lots of birds, squirrels & hares. Play area for the kids. Pool-nice pool and was warm, sauna, steam room, no jacuzzi. Towels provided. Good sized of changing rm , plenty lockers, private showers etc. We ate in the Brasserie one night, couldn’t fault. Food was lovely and staff friendly. We also used the cocktail lounge each evening, lovely cocktails and an enjoyable area to sit in. Breakfast, only had booked to have once but was less impressed. It was a Monday morning and seemed to lack a system. Had to ask for tea, which arrived but at same time ordered poached eggs from the kitchen, they never arrived. I decided to have a coffee after my tea from the machine-I’m not normally that fussy but it wasn’t very nice and no clean crockery next to the machine, only paper cups!! Not what you expect of this standard of hotel. Other than no black pudding which did disappoint me, we enjoyed the hot food. Overall, would definitely return to stay again. It was a good base for a trip into Edinburgh, very easy to get bus from the stop opposite hotel driveway."

"We arrived a little early and had a coffee in the bar. We ordered a couple of nibbles. They got one wrong but it was no big deal they changed it and all was well. Check in was supposedly 3.30 but our room wasn't available. We were asked to wait in the bar and they would let us know. (No offer of a drink or anything while we waited) They didn't come and at 4.10 I went back and the room was apparently ready (40 minutes late!). Poor start but overall the staff were really friendly and helpful. The room was nice with lovely views and comfy beds. Leisure facilities are ok, no jacuzzi/hot tub but a nice pool with steam room,sauna etc. We ate in the brasserie, service was great but the food was just ok. Perhaps it would've been worth paying more to try the restaurant. Breakfast was fine (scrambled eggs were awful sadly) We had an espresso martini as a nightcap in the comfy lounge which was delicious! I would recommend it for a wee night away with friends."