Jo An Beach Hotel

"If your dream holiday involves stepping into a time capsule, paying premium prices for zero comfort, and experiencing one of the worst trips of your life, look no further! How this place maintains a 4-star rating is an absolute miracle—and a brilliant scam that allows them to charge a €10 daily city tax instead of the €1.50 they actually deserve. Two stars would be wildly generous. Allow me to break down the sheer opulence of this establishment: • The Private "Oasis" & Sunbed Strategy: The hotel features breathtakingly small pools that clearly hadn't seen a cleaning brush in twoo weeks while we stayed here. Naturally, they provide an incredibly tiny number of sunbeds around the pool. It’s a genius business model: make the pool area completely unusable so guests are forced to head to the beach and cough up an extra €7 for sunbeds there. Bravo! • The 1980s Retro Suite: The room is a vintage masterpiece that hasn't been touched since the Berlin Wall was still standing. Enjoy the thrill of dangerously steep stairs with a beautifully wobbly handrail. The beds offer the exact plush comfort of actual floorboards, complemented by pillows made of mysterious, spongy hard lumps. Also, who needs electricity? They’ve conveniently provided almost zero power sockets to charge your 2026 devices. • The High-Speed Digital Detox: The Wi-Fi is practically non-existent. The password format itself practically screams "Welcome to the Dial-Up Era." It’s 2026, but the hotel firmly believes you shouldn't be doing any life admin or contacting the outside world while on holiday. • The Deluxe Interactive Bathroom: The bathroom features a handheld showerhead over the tiniest bathtub in existence. The catch? You can’t actually hook the showerhead to the wall because doing so will instantly create an indoor water park and flood the entire room. Don't worry, the horribly stained shower curtain adds a lovely touch of character. • The Underground "Canteen" Experience: Calling it a restaurant is a bit too classy. It’s an underground industrial canteen that serves horribly bland food and is nowhere near big enough for the crowd. Enjoy the daily luxury of queuing just to get a bite! The service is equally spectacular: the waiting staff (under strict management orders, surely) refuse to bring your drinks until after you’ve almost finished eating. Want two glasses of wine with dinner? Don't insult them by asking. • A Breath of Fresh Air: While the dining room is a cramped basement, the massive front patio is entirely dedicated to a sprawling smoking area packed with tables and chairs. Hello from Europe in 2026, where the hotel thinks the best use of prime real estate is giving the entire front terrace to smokers. • The Scenic Beach & Bars: The beach is a tiny strip beautifully decorated with piles of rubbish at the sides. Don't miss the beach "shower"—an old, rusty, incredibly wobbly stand that doubles as an exciting health hazard. The beach bar staff were actually okay, but the drinks were atrocious. If you want a nightcap, head to the evening bar, which looks exactly like a spare storage room for a factory kitchen. • World-Class Reception: Upon arrival, we asked if we could get a simple bottle of water. Since a minibar is far too modern for them, we were warmly advised to walk down to the local supermarket and buy it ourselves. Truly unmatched hospitality. Thank you for an unforgettable holiday. Avoid this place at all costs unless you enjoy being scammed!"

"Sadly the first 4 days of the holiday the weather was terrible! So a more limited review. Firstly, a huge shout out to Sifis who went above and beyond for me. All staff were friendly but another one who stood out to me was Stella, and a guy from the restaurant but I didn't get his name! Location is great but transfer from airport is VERY long! Be prepared. Hotel on the outside and by the pool/beach has been updated more recently and looks great. Severe lack of sunbeds at pool areas, can't imagine what it's like during peak season. They also charge €7 for two sunbeds and parasol on the beach, which I think should really be part of the all inclusive. The restaurant also small given the size of hotel. The room I had looked like it hasn't been decorated since the hotel opened but was clean. As there was no entertainment (apart from a small disco one night) the hotel was quiet. Generally a nice stay."

"Great hotel, super nice staff. The food is amazing, varied, and really delicious."