Royal River Luxury Hotel

"Main issue: the luxury hotel pretensions and the price don’t reflect reality. It feels more like a tourist trap. The location itself is beautiful, the décor is pleasant and tasteful. However, the services are questionable and have many problems. The rooms are decent, but far from luxury, 5-star standard. For example, the bathroom has no ventilation – a daily olfactory challenge. The toilet is very high, your feet dangle and swing. All sorts of basic accessories are missing: cotton buds, shower cap, etc. The massage salon – very cold, unheated. Instead of a relaxing massage, it was a continuous battle with the cold. Room service – frequent mistakes in orders, sometimes long delays, or simply not showing up at all. Restaurant – out of the hotel’s 4 restaurants, only 1-2 are open simultaneously. Very few vegetarian options. The restaurant has no windows or doors, which is aesthetically pleasant and probably wonderful in summer. However, when it’s 13-14 degrees outside, it’s just as cold inside. They don’t have a proper heating system – they should bring heating units to each table, or at least have them available upon request. The food, in general, was good, but with limited and inconsistent options. I had one of the best margherita pizzas. So good that I ordered it again the next day. It was so bad I couldn’t eat it. The staff is very friendly and equally incompetent. Every day we had wrong, mixed-up, delayed, or missed orders. The highlight was when a simple soup came after about 40 minutes. For the second course, the order never came at all. Items we didn’t order or consume appeared on the bill. The restaurant manager paid us no attention and made no effort to fix any of the mistakes. Waiters dropped cutlery, trays, and glasses daily. At one breakfast, the waitress dropped the salt shaker we’d requested on the floor. She “elegantly” wiped it with her hand and placed it on our table. Conclusion: All in all, if the price were half and the stars 4 instead of 5, it would be way easier to accept. But as a resort with luxury pretensions, even with “luxury” in its name, it all turns out to be just a tourist trap. Such a shame for the beautiful location."

"• Room cleanliness: glasses and cups poorly washed and left randomly instead of being properly arranged. For 4 guests, we received only 4 coffee capsules per day; we had to call every single time to ask for more. Overall room order was lacking, despite leaving daily tips for housekeeping — with no visible effect. • Bathroom: toiletries (shower gel, shampoo, etc.) are completely no-name, with no recognizable brand, which is hard to accept at this level (e.g., L’Occitane, Acqua di Parma, Molton Brown). Basic 5-star amenities are missing: cotton buds, shower cap, and other standard bathroom accessories that are normally provided automatically. • Room service: orders arrive consistently late and almost never complete. Items are frequently missing, requiring multiple trips for a single order — exhausting and unprofessional. • Restaurants: theoretically there are 4; in reality, only one à la carte restaurant is consistently open in the evenings. Occasionally, a tasting-menu restaurant operates, which was useless for us since two people in our group have dietary restrictions. The variety is more declarative than real. • Restaurant / dinner experience: • We ordered a bone-in beef steak and were served a boneless cut; when we pointed this out, the initial reaction was to contradict me, suggesting I had ordered incorrectly. • My husband, whose ovo-lacto-vegetarian diet was clearly communicated by email, received soup without cheese; we were then incorrectly told that he was lactose intolerant. This was completely false, and by the penultimate day of our stay, this preference should have been well known. • The vegetarian main course ordered for dinner was simply forgotten. • Dishes were not served simultaneously to everyone at the table. • The bill contained serious errors: an extra bottle of wine was added, as well as a dish we never ordered and explicitly refused. • Staff attitude after these incidents: following the entire episode (incorrect steak, forgotten vegetarian dish, chaotic service, and billing errors), the staff effectively started ignoring us. We had to pour our own water and wine. A blonde lady whom I assume was a manager was constantly walking around the dining room, yet never once approached us to apologize or take responsibility for the multiple mistakes. Zero accountability, zero interest. • Breakfast: chaotic organization. Coffee is forgotten or arrives very late; sometimes it does not arrive at all. Eggs ordered arrive after you have already finished eating. Apologies are constant, but when apologies become routine, they are simply irritating. There are no clear labels for dishes (vegan, vegetarian, gluten-free). The selection is poor in vegetables and greens. There is no à la carte breakfast menu, neither physical nor digital. • SPA – couple’s massage: the massage room was cold, foot towels were cold (they should normally be hot), and we felt cold throughout the entire session. The massage was inconsistent and superficial — unfocused in some areas and almost nonexistent in others, such as legs, arms, neck, and head. • SPA – pedicure: performed dry, on a massage table, without a proper pedicure chair. Entirely inappropriate for a spa that claims premium standards. • Conclusion: I could write a novel about all the situations where the staff got confused, forgot things, or treated everything superficially. The issue is not an isolated incident, but a clear pattern of disorganization, lack of attention, and zero genuine interest in the guest — in who you are and what your needs are. The difference compared to truly premium hotel chains (e.g., Shangri-La) is obvious and can be felt from miles away. Not recommended for those who truly understand what real luxury hotel standards mean."

"As my wife and I age [me more than she], the prospect of Long-Haul flights get evermore resistible and we can’t always afford Business Class. So, we decided on the Canaries, a closer destination and one which I enjoyed many times a half-century ago. The Jet2 ‘Indulgent’ Package appealed with Private Taxi Transfers, etc and the Royal River appeared intriguing with its Villas with Heated Private Pools, but adjoining a 100m meandering shared [also Heated] Pool connecting the Villas and the Photos were indeed luring. The 4½ hour flight was a bore, since the seats were cramped too tightly, there was no entertainment and the onboard food was the usual Cardboard, but enough of that! The private Merc Transfer was indulgent and the aircon appreciated in the 23C heat, which was a pleasant surprise after England in December. The Hotel was/is STUNNING. It must have cost the Owner a small fortune in its design, River/Pool arrangement and meticulous attention to co-ordinated detail. The décor is an Interior Designer’s Wet Dream. The landscaping plants alone would have cost a King’s Ransom and it is spectacularly well cleaned. A BIG Plus - It's Adults ONLY! There are some ‘Minuses’, but they are small [if you come prepared, which is why I’m reviewing in detail] and for the moment I will not dwell on any negativity. So, to the ‘Plusses’. The Hotel overall is deserving of its 5 Stars. The Staff are excellent, prompt, efficient, polite and attentive. A big Shout-Out to Patrizia, who will prepare the finest Steak Tartare at your table if you ask. Quite the best I have had in my 79 years and I have travelled a lot. Francesco, the Spanish Waiter who spent 2 years in the UK and whose English is better than mine and of course, ‘Mi Pequena Dama’, who I will miss serving me at my Breakfast Table with a Hug and a morning Kiss on the Cheek. She is a 4’ 10” Spanish Mamma and bundle of energy and rules the Breakfast Waiting Staff. The River Villas are astonishingly large [120m3] with a Bedroom, Lounge, vast Bathroom, walk-in Dressing Room and huge Terrace by the private, heated Pool. Another huge Plus. The furniture I will score Even, since no Hotel furniture, anywhere is ever comfortable being designed by ‘effect’ and ‘style’, eschewing comfort. I lie – The Carlton in Cannes is supremely comfortable, but at a shocking price. The Rooms are thoroughly cleaned in the mornings and again in a Turndown Service in the evenings – luxury! The aircon works well, but does not heat and whilst it’s Spring-like at 23C, the evenings or indeed some days can be chilly if it’s cloudy, so pack a sweater or two. [With Jet2’s Indulgent package you get 25Kg]. Housekeeping will provide a portable electric heater if you ask. Now here’s some important advice about the Food. With just one exception, the food in the Hotel is perfect, however the Website boast of 4 Restaurants intimates they are all open on the same days, affording choice. They are not. OK, so December is ‘Low Season’ and the Hotel is at perhaps 20% occupancy, so the Management reduce staff levels and rotate them across the food venues. However, on many evenings there is just one Restaurant and Room Service! Of course you can go out to dine, but the nearest Restaurant is a £20 Cab ride and the better ones, further still, so be warned. However, the Big Plus is there is Zero Room Service Charge. As said the food is great, but pricey. A Club Sandwich and Fries will cost you £35 and a 2-Course Meal for two averages £200 including drinks. The Wine Cellar is beyond description, but beware, 95% of the Wines are £100+. Beers are £6 for 250cl and a Vodka and Tonic will cost £15. Just so you know. Despite the Villas costing £650 a night, don’t expect clean bedsheets every night, nor clean towels; these are scheduled by the Bean-Counters to be changed only every other day, but if you stamp your foot loudly enough, the changes become daily. Happy Days!! Back to the one BAD Meal we had. Lauded as a 6-Course Taster, it was clearly a rushed [and untried – we attended on its first day] Chef’s oeuvre to a Managerial demand and it sadly failed. However, after leaving most of it, our Bill was Zeroed. A good Managerial decision. So, lots of Big Plusses and a few Minuses. Two more small Minuses which you do need to know if you expect the usual 5* facilities. There is no Shop inside the Hotel, so if you need a battery for your Laptop Mouse [as I did], or a Cap or the like, it’s a £20 Cab Ride away. Also, no Currency Exchange in the Hotel or indeed in Adeje. The Canarians no longer accept foreign currencies. It’s Euros or Cards – be prepared…… If you are a Petrol Head [like me], visit the vast heated, underground Garage where the Owner keeps his 427 Shelby Cobra, his Triumph Vitesse Convertible, his Porsche and a pristine 1950’s Landie. In conclusion, despite the downers, now I know what I know about the place, it’s so nice I’m considering coming back next year, fully prepared!"