"Upon arrival, check-in was as smooth and professional as you'd expect from a 4-star resort - quick, efficient, no complaints there. We were feeling optimistic… right up until the receptionist cheerfully informed us this was a “family hotel.” No big deal, we thought. But by “family,” they specifically mean “families with toddlers under five.” Everywhere. In every direction. At all times. Realisation dawned we actually thought we had booked the slightly more “couple-y” hotel next door, presumably to lure confused couples like us. But, bags down, sandals on - we committed. Then the receptionist hit us with a curveball: if we accepted alternate-day room cleaning we could have a free one-off use of the mini-bar and a free safe (normally €5). Wait, what?
Look, I don't know about you, but when I book an all-inclusive holiday, I want to be pampered, not to suddenly find myself in an Airbnb situation. Isn’t the whole point of AI resorts to be looked after? There’s also a €30 deposit for each pool towel and you can only change towels every other day because nothing says luxury like towel-rationing. Or as I like to call it "environmental guilt with a side order of soggy towel".
Now, let me be clear: I love kids. I have kids. My kids are grown up now, so I know the drill. But this place? Kids at the buffet, in the pool, arriving from a slide in the lobby and landing at your feet, screeching down the hallways, and occasionally invading your personal space with a plastic flamingo float. At one point I genuinely wondered if adults were allowed to be there unaccompanied.
To be fair, the hotel rolls out the red carpet for little ones - endless entertainment, cute, teeny-tiny sun loungers made for hobbits, and more activities than I could ever count (or survive). It’s basically toddler heave - like Disney World, but with cheaper dining and more unpredictable noise levels.
And credit where it’s due: the hotel was spotlessly clean, our junior suite (read: slightly larger-than-average room with a sofa) was very modern and comfortable, with a sunless balcony overlooking a beautifully curated collection of parked hire cars (our bad - we didn’t opt for the pool-view room).
The beds were comfortable and it was fairly quiet barring the odd toddler shriek from the corridor. The room had a kettle, a water jug, and two glasses… but no coffee, tea, or cups. If this was supposed to be a minimalist art installation it'd be called ‘Regret and Hot Water'.
The wristband room keys worked flawlessly though - no pockets, no demagnetising, no awkwardness. The staff were friendly and efficient, and the food was excellent with meats freshly grilled to order and a huge range of options.
Shoutout to the South African duo who brought the bar to life one night - faces that hadn’t smiled all week were suddenly beaming, hands were clapping, and a few guests attempted moves that would make a disco ball blush. ‘Fireball’ has now unofficially become my personal theme song.
There were varied adult activities, though I remain puzzled by the daily water aerobics, which ended with everyone doing chicken impressions (you'd really have to witness it)… 🐔
Then halfway through our holiday, the hotel decided to spice things up by switching the air conditioning off overnight.
During the day? Arctic tundra.
At night? Sahara in August.
We went from deep comfortable sleep to tossing and turning between the hours of midnight and 7 a.m. I woke up each morning feeling like a warm cheese toastie.
Power also decided to take a holiday of its own - several outages on one day, including the moment I got trapped in a lift. Very disconcerting to be stuck between floors, wondering if this was how I’d go: not with dignity, but in a metal box while a toddler outside repeatedly presses the call button like it’s a Fisher-Price game. Thankfully I was only in there briefly, though long enough to promise myself I’d start taking the stairs… until I remembered how many stairs there were.
Oh, and non-smokers rejoice: apparently toddlers are staunch anti-smoking activists, so cigarettes were confined to designated spots. As a result, the air - inside and out - remained blissfully free of secondhand smoke.
The local beach is dreamy, sandy, and naturist-friendly, so you can really soak up the sun… fully. Beyond that, the surrounding area is minimal - other than a few shops.
So, to sum up, we had a lovely week. The hotel is clean, the staff are friendly, and the food is great - if you don’t mind your peaceful dinner being punctuated by the occasional screaming toddler. Next time, I’ll try to book the hotel next door, which seems a bit more "couple-y." But hey, I might be back when I have grandkids, or maybe if the South African duo does a reunion tour ☄️."
